Certified EFT Couple & Family Therapist
Hi, I’m Paula Zerfoss. I've been working with couples and families for over 25 years.
But credentials only tell you so much. Here's what might matter more…
I'm curious. Genuinely. My father was a librarian, and I think I inherited his need to understand how things got to be a certain way. I don't walk into a session assuming I know your story. I walk in wanting to learn it.
I'm steady. I won't get rattled by conflict or silence. I've been alongside couples in their hardest moments, and I'm not going anywhere.
And I've been where you are. More on that below.
Credentials & Training
I'm a licensed psychotherapist with specialized training in Emotionally Focused Therapy:
Certified EFT Therapist (couples therapy)
Certified EFT Supervisor — I train other therapists in EFT through the International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy (ICEEFT)
EFIT Certified (Emotionally Focused Individual Therapy)
EFFT Certified (Emotionally Focused Family Therapy)
Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) Certified — helpful for understanding personality differences between partners
Before specializing in EFT, I also developed and led programs addressing domestic violence, including training police officers and creating specialized court support systems in the Chicago area.
I have been published on the topic of changing and softening police (tough guy) culture, and helping police officers and their families to be closer.
A few things I've learned about couples.
After 20 years, some patterns become clear:
People are ashamed of their inability to resolve arguments with the person they love most in the world. They think they should be able to figure this out on their own.
Couples often feel stuck, but they also don't want to lose these important relationships. They're caught between "I can't keep doing this" and "I can't imagine my life without them."
When couples can't resolve their conflicts, they resort to desperate strategies. They attack and blame. They complain, get defensive, or numb out. Things may even get physical. And then they feel stuck again.
None of this makes you broken, it just makes you human.
My personal path: Why I do this work.
I want you to know that whatever you might be experiencing right now, chances are I've been there too.
I was in a distressed marriage that ended in divorce. The pain of my difficult relationship was 24/7. I couldn't stop thinking about it. It took up all my spare time. It was like my obsession and my "hobby."
After my own therapeutic journey, I was inspired to help others who were struggling. I saw friends, and later clients, who seemed so unhappy in their relationships but didn't know what to do (and didn't want to leave).
Why were these relationships derailing? How can people who clearly love each other get back on track? There had to be a way.
That question has driven my entire career.
Enter EFT: The game-changer.
I went searching for better tools to help my couples, and I found Emotionally Focused Therapy. It clicked immediately.
EFT dovetailed perfectly with my personality and the way I like to do therapy–offering playfulness along with structure, but without being rigid.
And most importantly, it honored each partner's striving for connection, no matter how angry or shut down they seemed.
I was thrilled to discover that by using this model, I could help couples see what was really happening in their interactions.
Their hurt and pain could finally be seen by their partner, instead of just the anger or rejection that usually surfaced.
It is with joy that I help people rediscover that they are loved, so they can break free from the fears that have kept them feeling lonely and disconnected in their relationship.
What I believe about relationships.
No relationship is picture-perfect. And here's the surprising thing: that's not actually the goal.
Our connections deepen when we feel loved and accepted in spite of ourselves. Most of us believe we need to be calm, put-together, and always in a good mood to be worthy of love. But carrying that expectation around actually creates distance.
Think about Japanese pottery, where cracks are repaired with gold. The breaks become part of the beauty. Relationships work the same way. When we allow our vulnerable, messy, real selves to be seen by our partners–and they accept those flaws and cracks–that's what seeds true intimacy.
That's what I help people do.
This song by John Prine and Iris Dement captures exactly what I'm talking about and I invite you to have a listen.
Let's see if we're a good fit.
If you're ready to work together or you just want to find out more I'd love to hear from you.